Dear Food,
If I let you in again, all I will have is regret.
I am not yours anymore.
You lost me and I don’t want to be found.
I learned to live without you, but now you are calling again.
What makes you think you can do this to me. You are sucking the life out of me.
Tearing me apart. Killing me slowly. Stealing life’s moments. Don’t look for me anymore Because I don’t want to be found.
I have become too strong to fall back into your arms.
It took too long to feel like myself again. To be human again. I wish I had never known you. You let me down. You preyed on me when I felt alone. You can’t have me anymore.
What makes you think you can do this to me. You are sucking the life out of me. You can’t have me anymore.
Yours no more,
Amber
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Trying Overeaters Anonymous
I am still doing Slimming World, but due to my emotions regarding food, I need some help from people who can help me cope with food addiction. So on top of Slimming World, I am now 12 stepping to deal with the sickness of it all....
Here is a letter I wrote to some friends about my first Overeaters Anonymous (OA) meeting :
7-19-10
The Overeaters Anonymous meeting went well. It is basically exactly like AA except for food. "My name is Amber and I am a compulsive overeater" "HI AMBER". It was a little creepy in that way, but otherwise I could totally relate to what the people there were saying. There was one lady there talking about how she would hide food so she could have it all for herself... OMG I could so relate... I used to hide cookies because I wanted to have them all and not have to share... Or I would dig through the kids candy and get all the good stuff first and leave them the non-chocolate candy... OMG it is so insane my relationship with food. It is so unhealthy... I literally fantasize and set goals around food... what I am going to eat and how much and how... I have rituals with foods that have layers or crust... Eating layer by layer or eating sandwiches crust first. Of course that is not really the problem, but it all kind of ties in with the food addiction...I am kind of scared though, because with cigarettes I had to just go cold turkey. I could not even have just one because I would literally start smoking again... I have not touched cigarettes in 4 and a half years and I will never again, but with food it is different because I can't just not eat... it is like I have to always be holding back and controlling with it bacause it is not like I can just not eat... I have to eat, but how to control the "addiction" part is what will be complicated... I think about food almost constantly and plan around food and get snappy with people who mess up my food plans (ex: if I decide in my head to secretly go eat a fast food burrito on my way somewhere... and then Jeff wants to tag along, so I can't stop at the fast food place, I get really cranky with him, and I am not even hungry...) Well, here is the OA list:
Do you eat when you’re not hungry?
Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?
Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?
Do you give too much time and thought to food?
Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?
Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?
Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?
Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?
Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?
Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?
Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?
Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?
Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?
Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?
Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?
I can answer yes to every one of these things... Ugh, I so don't want to be this person...
Anyway, so there you have it... I am apparently a compulsive overeater... But at least I am starting 12 steps to deal with it... We'll see how it goes. Right now I feel like a total douchbag when I think about actually using a 12 step program because I feel like there are real 12 step programs for people with REAL addictions - like to alcohol or crack or something... not some stupid addiction like, gee I just can't stop eating and can't stop being a fatass who steals sweets from her children. OK sorry... I know I have an issue but I guess I just feel disgusted with myself that I have come to this and that I actually need help with this... I also feel like a total dork for sharing all this with you but I can not possibly talk about something like this with anyone else because it is totally embarrassing. No one knows I am going to these meetings except you all and Jeff... and even Jeff has no idea about any of this... He thinks the meetings are like going to weight watchers and really does not know the extent of my food addiction and I don't want him to know because then he will become the food police and that will NOT help me... it would only serve to continue the crazy patterns of hiding food etc... SO, here I am with you guys... I am sorry for burdening y'all but I just needed to talk about it... So far so good... I have completed 4 days of "abstinence" which basically means I have resisted the urge to binge or hoard or sectretly eat food... So, day 4... One day at a time... Overeaters Anonymous is so bizarro....
Here is a letter I wrote to some friends about my first Overeaters Anonymous (OA) meeting :
7-19-10
The Overeaters Anonymous meeting went well. It is basically exactly like AA except for food. "My name is Amber and I am a compulsive overeater" "HI AMBER". It was a little creepy in that way, but otherwise I could totally relate to what the people there were saying. There was one lady there talking about how she would hide food so she could have it all for herself... OMG I could so relate... I used to hide cookies because I wanted to have them all and not have to share... Or I would dig through the kids candy and get all the good stuff first and leave them the non-chocolate candy... OMG it is so insane my relationship with food. It is so unhealthy... I literally fantasize and set goals around food... what I am going to eat and how much and how... I have rituals with foods that have layers or crust... Eating layer by layer or eating sandwiches crust first. Of course that is not really the problem, but it all kind of ties in with the food addiction...I am kind of scared though, because with cigarettes I had to just go cold turkey. I could not even have just one because I would literally start smoking again... I have not touched cigarettes in 4 and a half years and I will never again, but with food it is different because I can't just not eat... it is like I have to always be holding back and controlling with it bacause it is not like I can just not eat... I have to eat, but how to control the "addiction" part is what will be complicated... I think about food almost constantly and plan around food and get snappy with people who mess up my food plans (ex: if I decide in my head to secretly go eat a fast food burrito on my way somewhere... and then Jeff wants to tag along, so I can't stop at the fast food place, I get really cranky with him, and I am not even hungry...) Well, here is the OA list:
Do you eat when you’re not hungry?
Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?
Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?
Do you give too much time and thought to food?
Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?
Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?
Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?
Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?
Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?
Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?
Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?
Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?
Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?
Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?
Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?
I can answer yes to every one of these things... Ugh, I so don't want to be this person...
Anyway, so there you have it... I am apparently a compulsive overeater... But at least I am starting 12 steps to deal with it... We'll see how it goes. Right now I feel like a total douchbag when I think about actually using a 12 step program because I feel like there are real 12 step programs for people with REAL addictions - like to alcohol or crack or something... not some stupid addiction like, gee I just can't stop eating and can't stop being a fatass who steals sweets from her children. OK sorry... I know I have an issue but I guess I just feel disgusted with myself that I have come to this and that I actually need help with this... I also feel like a total dork for sharing all this with you but I can not possibly talk about something like this with anyone else because it is totally embarrassing. No one knows I am going to these meetings except you all and Jeff... and even Jeff has no idea about any of this... He thinks the meetings are like going to weight watchers and really does not know the extent of my food addiction and I don't want him to know because then he will become the food police and that will NOT help me... it would only serve to continue the crazy patterns of hiding food etc... SO, here I am with you guys... I am sorry for burdening y'all but I just needed to talk about it... So far so good... I have completed 4 days of "abstinence" which basically means I have resisted the urge to binge or hoard or sectretly eat food... So, day 4... One day at a time... Overeaters Anonymous is so bizarro....
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