Dear Food...

Dear Food,
If I let you in again, all I will have is regret.
I am not yours anymore.
You lost me and I don’t want to be found.
I learned to live without you, but now you are calling again.
What makes you think you can do this to me. You are sucking the life out of me.
Tearing me apart. Killing me slowly. Stealing life’s moments. Don’t look for me anymore Because I don’t want to be found.
I have become too strong to fall back into your arms.
It took too long to feel like myself again. To be human again. I wish I had never known you. You let me down. You preyed on me when I felt alone. You can’t have me anymore.
What makes you think you can do this to me. You are sucking the life out of me. You can’t have me anymore.
Yours no more,
Amber

Trying Overeaters Anonymous

I am still doing Slimming World, but due to my emotions regarding food, I need some help from people who can help me cope with food addiction. So on top of Slimming World, I am now 12 stepping to deal with the sickness of it all....

Here is a letter I wrote to some friends about my first Overeaters Anonymous (OA) meeting :

7-19-10
The Overeaters Anonymous meeting went well. It is basically exactly like AA except for food. "My name is Amber and I am a compulsive overeater" "HI AMBER". It was a little creepy in that way, but otherwise I could totally relate to what the people there were saying. There was one lady there talking about how she would hide food so she could have it all for herself... OMG I could so relate... I used to hide cookies because I wanted to have them all and not have to share... Or I would dig through the kids candy and get all the good stuff first and leave them the non-chocolate candy... OMG it is so insane my relationship with food. It is so unhealthy... I literally fantasize and set goals around food... what I am going to eat and how much and how... I have rituals with foods that have layers or crust... Eating layer by layer or eating sandwiches crust first. Of course that is not really the problem, but it all kind of ties in with the food addiction...I am kind of scared though, because with cigarettes I had to just go cold turkey. I could not even have just one because I would literally start smoking again... I have not touched cigarettes in 4 and a half years and I will never again, but with food it is different because I can't just not eat... it is like I have to always be holding back and controlling with it bacause it is not like I can just not eat... I have to eat, but how to control the "addiction" part is what will be complicated... I think about food almost constantly and plan around food and get snappy with people who mess up my food plans (ex: if I decide in my head to secretly go eat a fast food burrito on my way somewhere... and then Jeff wants to tag along, so I can't stop at the fast food place, I get really cranky with him, and I am not even hungry...) Well, here is the OA list:
Do you eat when you’re not hungry?
Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?
Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?
Do you give too much time and thought to food?
Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?
Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?
Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?
Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?
Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?
Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?
Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?
Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?
Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?
Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?
Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?

I can answer yes to every one of these things... Ugh, I so don't want to be this person...

Anyway, so there you have it... I am apparently a compulsive overeater... But at least I am starting 12 steps to deal with it... We'll see how it goes. Right now I feel like a total douchbag when I think about actually using a 12 step program because I feel like there are real 12 step programs for people with REAL addictions - like to alcohol or crack or something... not some stupid addiction like, gee I just can't stop eating and can't stop being a fatass who steals sweets from her children. OK sorry... I know I have an issue but I guess I just feel disgusted with myself that I have come to this and that I actually need help with this... I also feel like a total dork for sharing all this with you but I can not possibly talk about something like this with anyone else because it is totally embarrassing. No one knows I am going to these meetings except you all and Jeff... and even Jeff has no idea about any of this... He thinks the meetings are like going to weight watchers and really does not know the extent of my food addiction and I don't want him to know because then he will become the food police and that will NOT help me... it would only serve to continue the crazy patterns of hiding food etc... SO, here I am with you guys... I am sorry for burdening y'all but I just needed to talk about it... So far so good... I have completed 4 days of "abstinence" which basically means I have resisted the urge to binge or hoard or sectretly eat food... So, day 4... One day at a time... Overeaters Anonymous is so bizarro....

Weight Gain again...

Well I lost 36.5 pounds doing Slimming World so far. It is really amazing. Unfortunately I have gained weight last week. WTF? I have eaten perfectly and I workout 5 days a week. Ugh it pisses me off so bad. Hopefully I will have better news next Wednesday (weigh in day).

I guess I could post again...

Well, as you know I have not been on in a really long time. Since reading Master Your Metabolism, I have joined a group called Slimming World. ( www.slimmingworldusa.com ) It is FANTASTIC!!! I have lost 29.5 pounds to date. I also started working out about 4 times a week. I tried Yoga tonight... It was a disaster. LOL.... I will keep you all posted...

current weight - 260

Master Your Metabolism

I did recently buy the book Master Your Metabolism by Jillian Michaels (from Biggest Loser). It is basically all about how your body and hormones may be working against you. For a long time I have known that my hormones were messed up because I have acne, heavy periods, spotting throughout the month, and other weird hormone issues. I go to the dr and she tells me that my thyroid is fine even though I seriously have all these issues that LOOK like a thyroid problem. Just a few weeks ago I was telling my mom that I was sure I had something wrong with my hormones. A perfect example is that I was working with a girl who is totally skinny and eats around 2000 calories a day, doesn't actively exercise, and eats Taco Bell regularly (and stayed skinny)... I thought, WOW, she must have some super secret that I don't have. I begged her to let me mimick her eating habits and she kept track of everything she ate and told me, and I did exactly what she was doing (minus the Taco Bell) and she remained a gorgeous 115, and I gained 3 pounds in 2 weeks!!! What the heck???
Then about 6 months ago, I ate perfectly for a month, and exercised 4-5 times a week that whole month, and gained 5 pounds. I was so frustrated and upset... I know I did not gain muscle because you can't gain muscle that fast... It was really frustrating and disheartening...
This is when I realized that obviously something was really different... Anyway, I started learning about things like BPA (A chemical in some plastic water bottles) that is literally skyrocketing my estrogen through the roof... I am now avoiding BPA and making a conscious effort to get enough sleep. Anyway, Jillian's book details how to get your hormones working properly again so that you can eat 2000 calories a day and excercise about 3 hours a week and get healthier and lose weight... I am about 100 pages into the book, and I already feel like I have learned so much, I will keep you posted as I read more and attempt to implement the ideas...
First thing I am doing - Giving up plastic water bottles (to avoid BPA)
Second thing - Getting 8 hours of sleep a night (To Boost natural Human Growth Hormone)
More to come...

Making the Promise

I have promised myself a million times over that I would lose weight...
"This is it," I tell myself, "You can not go on being this fat. You are going to change today."
I look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that things are going to get better.
I know I can do this....
There was Biggest Loser tryouts today and I chose not to go. I am not sure why. I had it marked on my calendar, but maybe I am not really ready to change, or maybe I am thinking I can do this on my own. Either way, I did not go. I may still tryout through mailing in a video of myself, but now it is too late to go to any auditions.
I have however decided that today is the day I start writing down everything I eat. I have a page at sparkpeople.com http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage.asp?id=AMBERAKAMOMMY

Having sparkpeople as a tool really helps, but I am scared of being this fat... I feel awful at this weight....

Here is a picture of me now... I am the girl in green... I am in shock that this is me because I feel so much smaller in my head... I am going to start journaling food tomorrow in order to count calories...